It Takes a Village...

Shortly after my 13th birthday, my oldest brother Craig, 21, was killed in a car accident. Immediately, my family changed. The one constant, familiar thing in my life felt unstable for the first time.    

Looking back, I realize that the survival of my immediate family was largely dependent upon the support of our close friends and extended family.  Each member of my family was dealing with Craig's death in a very individual manner, which allowed for minimal support and communication.

For the first time, that I can remember, I felt an extreme amount of tension in my home.  My dad, who is typically jovial and lighthearted, became quiet and introverted.  My mom, who is organized and efficient, cried every day for at least two years. My brother became more defiant of authority, and my sister, who was a 4.0 student, began to struggle in her classes. I was frustrated that my life had been permanently altered, and I had no control over it.  Needless to say, we were all very different.

The hardest part, aside from losing Craig, was the loss of normalcy.  Holidays, weddings, and other special celebrations were dreaded because they served as a reminder of our own loss. It felt like I had not only lost my brother, but my entire life.  

The one thing that helped me the most was the support of the Barton Family.  Jennifer Barton had been my best friend for several years prior to Craig's death. Her family was always warm and welcoming, but I never knew the extent of their love for me, or my family, until Craig died.  

Randy and Bobbie were so sensitive and perceptive about what I needed as a 14 year old.  They recognized how much things had changed in my family, and to the best of their ability, they filled in the empty places.  They never told me they understood how I felt-they listened, hugged, and cried with me.  

In addition to the emotional support they offered, they did really practical things as well.  There were countless times they gave me a ride to church, an activity, or cheerleading practice, even though it was inconvenient.  They knew my parents needed help, and they extended it-willingly and unreservedly.  They provided me with stability and support, not just for a few weeks, but months and years after Craig's death. 

It has been almost 11 years since the death of my brother, and we are making it through.  We will always miss Craig- He is an irreplaceable part of each of us, but the intensity of the grief has lessened enormously.   I remember thinking that my family might never feel normal again, but I think we finally do.  It has taken a really, really long time, but that is the nature of grief. 

I think the African proverb is right-It does take a village to raise a child-especially one who is dealing with a death in their family.  I'm forever indebted to the Barton family.  They were my safe haven, and are an irreplaceable part of my life.  

If you have a story of support, or would like to thank someone who has been there for you, please feel free to post a comment.  We would love to hear from you!