Little Ones Grieve in Very Big Ways

"I'm six years old and my daddy died from cancer." "I'm five and my daddy died in a car accident." "I'm four and my brother died." These words are spoken by the tiny voices of members of the Little Ones group, a new Lost & Found group for children ages three to six-the youngest Lost & Found serves.

"Even very young children grieve the loss of a parent or sibling.  We felt they needed their own group, structured to serve their special needs," said Lost & Found Executive Director, Karen Scott.  "Their group meets earlier than the older children's groups, which follow an evening schedule, and provides age-appropriate activities with more play," she said.  "By the time the Little Ones had its first meeting, 11 children had joined, with 10 moms in the parent group that meets at the same time."

Structured activities are designed to help the Little Ones understand what has happened and to share feelings.  Despite the sadness that brings them to Lost & Found, laughter can be heard in the playroom as the children fully embrace toys, art supplies, and the caring volunteers who facilitate the group's activities.  Play is the "work" of children, and much of the little Ones' time is spent in play.  Sometimes they re-enact medical procedures they have witnessed or a funeral or graveside scene.  Sometimes they play a favorite game they played with the person who died. Dress-up clothes are a favorite activity that's often accompanied by squeals of laughter.  Through play, children are able to process their grief and come to grips with the major changes in their young lives.

Liz Viele, group coordinator, shared her delight in what she and other facilitators have observed: "When we first started, the kids were so timid and quite. Now they've made new friends and are so much more comfortable talking about their losses.  They are learning that death in their family is just a small piece of their identity." 

Little Ones' moms have seen the same progress in their children.  Tara Skaggs, who has two children in the group said, "My kids are able to open up and talk about their dad more.  Lost & Found has taught them how to talk about him and has helped them focus on all the good things in their lives instead of just the sad things.  They are much happier now," she said.  "They talk more about the funny things and good memories of their dad instead of focusing on the sad part of losing him."

The grieving process occurs over time for children.  To reach a new understanding of the death, children reprocess their grief at each developmental stage.  The grief work of very young children is not about complex issues; it's about learning to adjust to the absence of simple, everyday things that are no longer part of their lives.  They may miss dad's rough-and-tumble play, mom's bedtime stories or the routine of a parent or sibling coming home from work or school.  In adjusting to even the simplest changes in a routine, it's critical for children to regain their sense of safety and security.  With support from the loving volunteers at Lost & Found, children can learn to laugh again while learning to hold the memories of loved ones forever in their hearts.